To the Moms Like Me

You're trying, trying, trying so hard to keep it together. You had hoped today would be better, but you woke up feeling the same sense of dread and panic as the last two weeks. You know it won't last forever, but it's getting old. And it's getting worse. 

You can't do what your body is screaming for and stay in bed because you have three kids to take care of. So, you drag yourself out of bed and perform your duties as if they are hardwired into your brain. You think a cup of coffee might give you some energy, but instead it makes the pounding in your chest worse. Kids fed, check. Diapers changed, check. Is this all I'll accomplish today? 

You've tried self-care, deep breathing and being good to yourself, but nothing is working. Your five-year-old's squeals and one-year-old's cries pierce your ears like a siren. You try not to shout, but find yourself doing it anyway. Then you get angry at yourself for being "that" mom.

"Your mind is a crowded room with a locked door."

You know it's not their fault. Your toddler doesn't know your skin feels raw and your senses are on high alert, so she climbs on you, pinches you and pulls at your clothes. She doesn't know that today her play feels like torture.

You leave your seven-year-old in charge and retreat to the shower - maybe there you will get some relief. At least here, with the noise of the water, you can cry. You fight the urge to turn the water on too hot and scald your skin. You try to focus on your breathing, and the sound of the water- try to be here in the moment, but your mind won't allow it. It screams at you in a hundred voices. Your mind is a crowded room with a locked door. Your five-year old bursts in on your thoughts with an urgent need to tattle on her brother. You tell her in the calmest voice you can manage, you will be out in a minute.

As you dry yourself, you catch a glimpse in the full-length mirror. When did you get so fat? Look how gross you are! Why even bother with makeup, you can't fix ugly! Your mind screams at you. "Shut up," you mutter aloud, hoping no one hears.

You take a deep breath and go back out to your kids. One wants a snack. One wants to play a video game. The youngest has taken off her diaper and peed on the floor. All you can manage is a weak sigh as you get a snack, clean up the floor and re-dress your toddler. I can't do this! I can't do this! Please help me! your inner child pleads, but there is no one here to help you. You give in and allow your kids to play video games and watch a movie so you can have some quiet. Then scold yourself again for being a failure as a mother.

Snap out of it! You wish so badly that you could. What's wrong with you? You have depression. And, although you have been in remission for several months, your symptoms like to pop up every now and then like a cold sore, reminding you they will never really leave.

You cancel outings you are meant to attend, (by text and Facebook, because you can't possibly face a telephone call at this point) making up excuses. The excuses seem necessary because stigma still exists, and you can't possibly just tell people "I can't cope right now, so I won't be able to make it to the playdate." What would they think of you if they knew?

"You write because maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and not feel so alone."

As your two eldest watch the television and your youngest plays with toy trains, you write. You write because it's what you do. You write because perhaps it will help to get it out. You write because maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and not feel so alone.

You spend most of the day on the couch. When your husband gets home from work, you are finally honest and tell him you're in pain and struggling to cope. He hugs you and strokes your hair, because he's your best friend. He reminds you how much you've been through together and that together, you will get through this, too.

You feel a bit better and turn to one of the coping skills you've learned over the years. You make a list of reasons why you are awesome. At first it seems forced, but by the time you get to "lived with depression for over two decades and I'm kicking it's ass", you begin to smile.

It will get better. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not the next day. But it will get better for you. And it will get better for me, too.

Love, Beck

When You Ask Me Why I Care

I have always had a habit of searching out the underdogs - the misfits - the picked-on and the diamonds-in-the-rough. In highschool, I got reprimanded more than once for declaring unfairness in a classroom. I had food thrown at me, threats scrawled across my locker engaged in heated debates in my English Advanced-Placement class about bullying and human rights. 

In my twenties, I worked with a group that fought for women's rights. I volunteered on a board of self-advocates. I raised my voice loudly against bullying and wrote articles about youth depression and suicide. No one ever asked why I stood against domestic violence. They never questioned me when I told them not to use the "r" word to describe a person with special needs (or in any other context). Not once was I asked why I felt so passionately about same-sex marriage. I was never asked why I cared, until I began speaking up about civil rights for a specific group of people.

I realize now, that racism, sexism, and ableism have all become socially unacceptable. Celebrities who use racist language or make anti-semitic remarks are publicly reprimanded and asked to apologize. Campaigns have been launched to end the "r" word. And, just last week Elton John called for a boycott of fashion house Dolce & Gabbana after they made ignorant statements about same-sex adoption. But, there is one group that has yet to see their rights protected the way that others have. The transgender community is still far behind when it comes to equality.

I post a lot on my Facebook page about LGBT issues, especially transgender, as I feel they are often the silent "T" in LGBT. It is still socially acceptable to ostracize a transgender person; to deny their human rights and bully them to death. After the deaths of Leelah Alcorn, Riley Moscatel, Ash Haffner, Zander Mahaffey and Melonie Rose (all transgender teens who took their lives) there has been no call to action by government officials, no public outcry, no push to educate people and end discrimination. Transgender women are still being forced to use the mens' room. Transgender men are still being raped and beaten. People are still exploiting their religion to deny human rights to this group of people. 

I have been asked a lot lately why I am interested in this "cause." 

Why do I feel the need to bring attention to people who are misunderstood and mistreated?

Why do I get the urge to put my arms around every trans* teen who wants to end their life rather than take one more day of being bullied and harassed?

Why do I want to prosecute every parent who forces their child into abusive conversion therapy?

Why do I want to shake some sense into the mother who tells her child they are going to hell and are an abomination?

Why do I wish I could open my home to every trans child who has been turned away from her family, her church, her community, for simply being who she is?

Why do I cry when I hear of another beautiful child who has taken their precious life because their spirit has been pummeled into dust?

Why do I get angry when I hear of another murder, another beating, another rape of a trans woman, man or genderfluid or intersex person?

Why do I educate myself on trans issues, and teach my children to accept and embrace differences in others and in themselves?

Because it matters!

Why do I care?

Perhaps the better question is:

Why don't you?

 photo credit: Purple Sherbet Photography

Create Your Own Egg Carton Greenhouse

Growing food is an awesome activity to do with your kids. I don't have a particularly green thumb, but my hubby and I are on a journey to live a sustainable lifestyle, so I figured I had better teach myself how to grow food. 

Currently, we rent, so I am limited to what I can grow on the windowsill, in containers or in the small garden bed my husband built for me in the front yard. This is my third year growing vegetables and I still have lots to learn. 
I like to start my seeds indoors, as the weather here in Medicine Hat is unpredictable. I thought I'd share with you what the kids and I have been doing lately. You can buy ready-made greenhouses to start your seeds indoors, or you can recycle things around the house to make your own. 

What you will need:

Cardboard egg carton

Potting Soil 

Seeds 

Water

Trowel or small shovel

Plastic cup (optional)

Clear plastic bag (we used one that our bread came in)

1. Begin by cutting the top off the egg carton. You will only be using the part where the eggs sit. 

2. Let your helper fill the egg cups half full with soil. (This is where the plastic cup comes in. I like to give my helper a cup of soil for them to use - it tends to cut down on the spillage)

3. Place two or three seeds in each egg cup. (You want a few seeds in each in case some don't germinate. If they all germinate, you can thin them later)

4. Cover your seeds with a thin layer of soil and water them all until the water seeps into the egg carton. 

5. Place the egg carton in a plastic bag. The bag will act as the greenhouse. Place your greenhouse in a sunny spot. In a few days your plants will begin to sprout! 

The amount of time they will need to stay inside will depend on what kind of seeds you are using and what area you live in. Check the seed packet for times. When your seedlings are ready to go outside, you will be able to separate the egg cups and plant the entire biodegradable egg carton, so the roots will not be damaged. 

Growing food is one of our favourite family activities in the summer! I think it is so important for kids to learn about where food comes from and how it grows. I can't keep them from snacking on parsley and sugar snap peas in the garden, but I honestly don't mind. :)

Try this out for yourself and let me know how it goes! Happy planting!

Cooking Class!

 Cooking and Baking is a great way to incorporate learning in your homeschool, without it feeling like work. Besides, it's FUN!

Through our Gift Circle (see my post on that here) an amazing lady offered up her kitchen to our home-educating families to have a cooking lesson. We kept the groups small and the kids paired up. We talked about healthy eating, kitchen safety and the importance of hygiene around food. Then we dove in and made some delicious muffins!

5 year old Bee loves to be in the kitehen.

I was really impressed at everyone's willingness to try the muffins, even though spinach is not usually a favourite among kids.

7 year old Tee likes getting his hands dirty.

One of the things I love about educating at home, is that learning is always happening. You don't need to be sitting at a desk in order to practice math, science and literacy! For hands-on learners, the kitchen is a great place to explore!

 The recipe we used was from this book. It has great ideas for lunches and snacks outside of the usual pb&j (which is really helpful for me, as I tend to go into the kitchen at lunchtime, look around for awhile, then settle on making pb&j when I can't come up with something creative!)

If you would like to try your hand at making these awesome muffins, here is the recipe:

Spinach Cake Muffins

Ingredients
Cooking spray (optional)
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 large egg
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup packed fresh spinach leaves
1/3 cup sugar
2 tbsp vegetable or canola oil
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F and use paper liners or crease a 24-cup mini-muffin tin or 12=cup regular muffin tin.
2. Place the applesauce, egg, vanilla, spinach, sugar and oil in a food processor and puree until smooth.
3. In a separate bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.
4. Pour the spinach puree into the flour mixture and stir until combined. Scoop the batter into the muffin pan, filling each cup 2/3 full.
5. Bake for 12 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean.
6. Transfer to wire rack to cool.

Makes 24 mini muffins or 12 regular muffins.

Starting a Gift Circle

"We don't trade with our family; only with strangers. Trade separates us; and this has led to our global crises today." - Brice Royer - founder of Gift Economy Vancouver

What is on your heart right now? Is there something you need? A ride to work? A listening ear? Childcare? What if you could relieve yourself of the one thing weighing on your mind right now, just by asking? 

"But, Beck," you say, "one does not simply ask for things." And my question to you is, "why not?" 

We have been taught not to be needy. Not to ask others for things. Not to give to others unless you receive something in return. But I challenge you to ask yourself this simple question, why not? Why not offer things to others as you would for your own family? Why not ask for something you need?

Things that have been given in our first few meetings include childcare, home baked bread, a place to hold our meetings, and scrap wood for a project. 

Why Give?

1. Giving is good for your health. Research suggests that altruistic behaviour can help decrease stress. A study conducted in 2006 by Johns Hopkins University and the University of Tennessee, showed that people who provided support to others, had lower blood pressure than those participants who did not. This suggests a physical benefit to those who give. 
2. Giving improves your happiness and sense of contentment. Scientists believe that "giving of oneself" can release endorphins in the brain, producing a "helper's high."
3. Giving promotes social connection. “Being kind and generous leads you to perceive others more positively and more charitably,” writes Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness, and this “fosters a heightened sense of interdependence and cooperation in your social community.”



What Can I Give?
You may think you have nothing to give, but the scrap paper in your closet may be just what a scrapbooker is looking for; the half-full paint tin in your garage may be just what someone needs to repaint their front door; the dandelions you've recently pulled from your garden, may be a tasty treat for your neighbour's chickens. 

Gifts need not be material things. Do you speak a second language? Are you particularly handy? Perhaps you know how to knit and could teach someone wanting to learn. 

For more information on the Gift Economy and how you can start your own Gift Circle, visit http://www.gifteconomy.ca/. If you are in the southern Alberta area and would like to join our Gift Circle, check us out here.